Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
