I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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