I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
