Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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