i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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