i love accidental penises.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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