I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
