girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Farmville is her only friend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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