Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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