Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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