He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
