first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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