Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
