He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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