I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
