Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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