remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
