Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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