just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
