Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
