This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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