just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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