I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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