So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
