I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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