Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
