Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize