I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
