Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize