we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
