dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
