good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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