It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
