He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
