Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
