some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
