Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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