when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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