just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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