Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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