dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
