I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
