I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
