I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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