2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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