i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
wow bdsm is so cute
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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