Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
