i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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