I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
