Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
