I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
