Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
