fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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