i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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