I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
