yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there's paper in my vomit.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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