if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
